What's Love got to do with it?


A Little Back Story


Tomas & I started out as friends. I moved in down the street from his family home when we were both in our early 20's and I was in the "party" & "new experiences" phase of my life. I'll save you all the sordid details!


After a suffering a severe back injury and ultimately losing what I thought would be my lifelong career as a Registered Veterinary Technician, I decided to move from the Bay Area of California back to my hometown of Dos Palos. Tomas came with me as what I call a "transplant" roomate. We were still just friends but as we both had gained experience with the LAW🚓🚓👮‍♀️ in the Bay Area we were both hoping for a new start in a new place. (An old place for me)

A Big Change

Although we weren't anticipating a relationship to grow from our friendship, leading up to and after my dad's passing, Tomas was my constant, my rock, and my best friend. After fighting settling down for years, we began building the life we live now, complete with Drama, Loss, Love & lots of memories. We moved into my father's home and began working for a large mattress retail chain while working on our relationship & renovating the house little by little.



The Man...my constant, my rock, my best friend.❤️❤️❤️

Retail or Bust

The Beginning of the Journey

Believe it or not Tomas and I started out in retail. When our first baby was born, we were both managers at Sleep Train in Fresno, averaging 84 hours a week in just the commute. Our start with this specialty sleep company gave us so much knowledge. We learned how to help people in a way we never knew existed before. We applied events from our own life and how this mattress company had helped us personally and built relationships with guests as well as other employees that we are still connected to today.

Tomas & I circa 2016 During my first pregnancy. Wonder Valley Ranch in Sanger during a work retreat! Also my first camera a Nikon D3400 was in use for the very first time.

The Next Chapter

The Joy


of Trying...and trying


I was ADDICTED to...wait for it....testing for pregnancy! Lol I bought a 100 pack of test strips from amazon and re-purchased them when I ran out. Because we were trying to get pregnant, I convinced myself every month that my period was running behind because I was pregnant and that the evaporation lines on the test were wrong. I was so literally obsessed, that I would hide them and the little cups I'd use, under my sink. 😟😟As a last resort I would take them apart and try to figure out how they worked. (I did this with most of my pregnancies lol)


Upside down, legs up, ya know, cause that is what the internet tells you to do to conceive. NOTHING worked.


then


The miracle happened!!!! Although I was over-joyed that I was pregnant, Tomas was less than enthusiastic. I was floored, I couldn't understand why he wasn't excited. I wanted to set up a fun surprise to tell him we were pregnant but I was so emotional, impatient, and exhausted... I couldn't wait.


Poor Guy


For months I'd show him tests that were inaccurate for so many reasons and ask him if he was seeing the line too, months of listening to me go on and on about the "symptoms", months of positions and testing, and temperatures, so that by the time it happened, we were both so exhausted that the excitement had disappeared. 😞😞


Planning(Nesting?)


The minute I received a positive test I began obsessing (big surprise-thanks ADHD😂) everything to do with babies, birth, and being a new mom. Having lost my mom at 25 years old and my dad a few years later, I drown any notion of sadness into all things MOM! Now I was getting excited, making lists, buying parenting books and Pinterest-ing until I fell asleep.


When I chose an OB-GYN and called to make an appointment, I was met with bored receptionists and a lack of anything close to excitement for me and my bean. They said I had to wait until 6 weeks to confirm my pregnancy. Did I forget to mention I was considered "Advanced Maternal Age" because I was nearing the 35-year mark? (Holy Fuck🙄) I was entirely bummed out. Why? I was so enamored with the little life inside me that I absolutely could NOT fathom why they didn't have more concern for our lives! OmG, super dramatic, I know, but hormones and pregnancy just do something to you.

The Beginning of the End

I met my new doctor 🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️🧑‍⚕️and although he was extremely sweet, I felt rushed and unheard. After sharing that I had been maintaining a KETO🍖🍗🥩🥓🥑 based lifestyle and having read that it was not only sustainable during pregnancy but also, studies showed lots of amazing health benefits for mom and baby. The Dr. revealed that he too, followed a low carb lifestyle and assured me it should be fine and seemed happy with my knowledge of healthy habits. In turn I was happy because I was on edge initially, waiting for the dreaded, "your overweight" etc. etc. When it didn't come, I was hopeful I had found a doctor that I could stand for 9 months.


While I was nervous for my appointment, I could not wait for the most important part...seeing the baby! Tomas was working in Fresno and couldn't be with me for the appointment, but I felt confident everything was going to be so perfect.❤️❤️ Based on my research, I knew baby would be miniscule 🫘but I could NOT wait! Because of the early gestational age of 6 weeks, they go in vaginally-eek I actually made a frowny face while typing that LOL. Staring at the 90's tv complete with static or "snow" on the screen, I could not make out ONE thing I had researched to look for.😞Already the doctor was questioning my last period start date and going over reasons why what he was seeing wasn't what he had expected.


After a few more minutes of uncomfortable digging motions towards my uterus, he was able to see SOMETHING! He reassured me that we could be a little earlier than I thought and wanted me to come back at 12 weeks to recheck and get the baby's sex. He printed me the most ghetto looking ultrasound image and sent me on my way.


TRIGGER TRIGGER


The joy of our pregnancy was short lived. I remember trying for over a year to become pregnant this first time. When I was younger, I felt an innate sense of doom and thoughts that I wanted to have a baby so badly and that I would never be able to. Of course, there was no reasoning behind it, just a weird nagging. Since I could remember, there was a tiny voice that said I wouldn't be a mom.


At 11 weeks I began spotting...


On my day off, at home minding my own business, I went to pee & a slight pink tint on the toilet paper brought my whole world crashing down. 💔💔I called the doctor's office where the staff advised me that miscarriages occur in 50% of first pregnancies and that I should wait to see if I in fact, would miscarry. SAY WHAT?!! 😤😤 Irate does not begin to describe my state of mind at that moment. After I hung up ON THE RECEPTIONIST🧨 I called Tomas hysterically, I called back to the doctor's office and insisted on an immediate appointment.


🚘On the way I had all the feels...I ugly cried the 30 minutes to the OBGYN. The drive was a blur, my world was ending. My functioning was non-existent and everything I did was on auto-pilot.


Let's rewind to the day before...I purchased a cute, leather-bound pink notebook 📒with the perfect soft pages for keeping a diary. My pregnancy diary. That day, the day before our loss, I had written a single entry. I'm going to have to paraphrase as even now, I cannot read what I had written for fear of dredging up those feelings, but it said something to the effect of "your new daddy Tomas is so excited to meet you". Also, I knew that I was ONLY one week away from the 12-week mark. I was assured, by studies & literature that the chance of miscarriage was significantly less at 12-weeks, so I allowed myself to announce to a few people and then a few more at the company party that evening, that we were pregnant. Everyone was so excited for us.💕💕💕


On the day I began spotting, I met with the doctor. He again did an internal examination and noted that there was no significant bleeding. Me being myself and I was adamant that something was wrong. During the ultrasound he mentioned that there was definitely something in my uterus there but that he wanted me to go to have my blood tested for HGC the Human Growth Hormone to see if my numbers were high enough to confirm pregnancy. He also sent me to have another ultrasound at the hospital across the street.


Baffled is the only was to describe what I felt at this point. I had so many questions. Why can't you hear a heartbeat at 11 weeks? Why isn't there more bleeding? Does that mean I lost the baby? Is there a chance I'm going to lose the baby? The consolation I received was, "At least you know you can get pregnant, some women never experience that". Without literally, any answers I went to do the things he had requested. I remember calling Tomas from the car but I don't remember much else until the ultrasound. It was there that I BEGGED the technician (who is only supposed to administer the ultrasound but not share any info about the findings) to please tell me what was going on and confirmed my worst fears. There was no heartbeat...


I went home that afternoon lost...I researched and cried until I couldn't breathe-I dug out an old stethoscope that belonged to my step-mother the RN and tried to listen for a heartbeat. I used up left over pregnancy tests which all confirmed I was still pregnant.


Later that night the doctor called and said the blood test results came back as not high enough to sustain a pregnancy. He said the only way I would know for sure was to get another test in 2 days to see if my levels were dropping. He offered me a pill to "force my body to expel" or to have a D&C. Where I'd be asleep for a procedure similar to an abortion. I told him I needed time to think. The next 12-24 hours are recalled through a tunnel of light where I imagine the cars go by so fast that you only catch glimpses of colors in a whirlwind of air that causes you to be unbalanced.


Some of the research I found about similar situations talked of levels rising, baby not being as far along as expected, waiting a few more days and hearing a heartbeat...I didn't want to wait to miscarry, I didn't want the torture of knowing I made a decision based on someone else's findings or experience like that of a doctor and bypass it because I read that there was a chance, no matter how small, that I would be making a terrible mistake by undergoing a procedure to end my pregnancy. Like I was making the choice KNOWING that I was going to miscarry even though my body wasn't actually processing a miscarriage.


Ultimately, I did not "wait and see" I underwent the procedure to remove baby. With Tomas by my side, I woke up to the doctors & nurses (who just happened to be all men) assuring me that I did great. The first thing I asked was if there was really a baby there, to tell me please, God, tell me there was a baby there. I don't remember their responses just voices trying to comfort me...

Fine Art Newborn, Maternity, & Milestone Photographer

A little about me

I am a small town girl raised in the heart of the Central Valley, Dos Palos California. Now I'm a wife, entrepreneur, business owner, photographer, and mom of 3 under 6. Our Newborn and Maternity Photography Studio is located in Los Banos California!

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